Bernie's Birthday Message to Self

Happy Birthday to Me,
Happy Birthday to Me,
Happy Birthday Dear Bernie,
Happy Birthday to Me!

My birthday present to myself? I followed the same advice I provided to my newsletter subscribers the week before last, and picked up a small block of $AAPL.
Hey..I told everyone to buy it 18 months ago when it was under $400, then I told everyone to reverse out and go short via GOOG-AAPL pair (get it, AAPL and pair..i love that!)... when the pair trade was around a $35 debit (GOOG was $730ish and AAPL was $695)...

Then...when AAPL cratered back to under $425 in the past 6 weeks, I made it clear that the short should be covered--and going long at $400 was a no-brainer. Last week's announcement re  $50BIL buyback --when the stock was $400 (which represented 15% of the outstanding shares if all $50bil were to be bought back at the current price level) effectively established a price floor in the stock. When Jeff Picower sent me a note for my birthday and told me Goldman was one of the 2 firms to get the mandate for AAPL bond issuance, it all made too much sense...here's why: if they raise $10bil-$15bil in new debt--their coupon will likely be the same as MSFT's latest issuance--and it gives AAPL an almost zero cost to reduce the outstanding float. For you idiots, float means 'supply'--and if the supply goes down, upward pressure on the stock price is the result!
BLM

BLM

Why Bernie Madoff Became a Client o JPMorgan Chase

Courtesy of JPMorgan's ad agency, above banner was voted "Great Subliminal Ad of the Week" by a majority of the folks here at "camp".  Junior was particularly insightful when he pointed out the underlying sexual innuendo and the association made by JPMorgan between private wealth and what certainly appears to be a a hot looking courtesan.  [No disrespect to any cultural background; Junior meant it as a compliment!)

For those that didn't know, Private Wealth Clients of "Chase" who maintain more than $100 million within the "wealth management department" will have the benefit of "meeting" the young lady in the above ad on a regular basis. Chase also has a corporate 'loft' available for those who maintain $200 million on account, and they get to have a weekly rendezvous with the young lady above, or a blond, or a redhead.. For those with $500 million on account, you can meet with all 3 at the same time each week for a weekly review of your personal assets.
It's great to be rich and bank at JPMorgan Chase. Trust Me.
BLM

"Trust Bernie, Not God" Debuts at Tribeca Film Fest

To:Squiggy
From: Bernie

Yes, I know that "Squiggy" is the pet name that I gave you years back, but I'm glad to notice that "Eleanor Squillari" was properly spelled on your credit in "In God We Trust."

I can only suggest that your new role as a film industry consultant is not likely to prove any more successful than your earlier career, especially when the reviews for this silly documentary make it to the world of bloggers. That said, I'd think the knuckleheads over at CNBC will probably make mention of the "film", if only to fill up some air time.

From where I'm sitting, this is not more than a cartoon of sorts--and for your benefit, I'm glad the producers didn't really understand how you benefited from being part of my inner circle. That said, I'm happy to do my part to help promote you--only other thing I can think of is posting the trailer here.
BLM

Madoff to Picard re Rakoff Ruling: You Was Robbed!

To: Irv Picard
From: Bernie Madoff
RE: Rakoff/Merkin/Schneiderman Ruling

Irv-After reading yesterday's Judge Rakoff's ruling, it would seem to me that you could have easily taken one of the Rolex watches that were seized from my apartment so that you might have been in cync with Rakoff's watch.

That said, and aside from the Judge's arcane interpretation re statute of limitations, you should have an anti-bullying expert drop by to provide your folks with a primer on how not to be intimated by an Eliot Shvizter wanna-be. 
As Yogi Berra might have said, "You was robbed!!!"

When's the next distribution planned for??


Best regards, BLM

Madoff Endorses Americans with No Abilities Act

Courtesy of a favorite Madoff friend and fan...Good thing this place has email!

BLM

Washington, D.C. - Congress is considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans with No Abilities Act (ANAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

“Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said Senator Diane Feinstein of California. “We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.”

In a Washington press conference, Senator Harry Reid pointed to the success of the United States Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest employer of Americans of Inability. Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement “warehouse” stores (65%). 

At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%). Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the ANAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled , banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, “Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?”

“As a Non-abled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due

to her inability to remember rightey tightey, lefty loosey. “This new law should be real good for people like me,” Gertz added. With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Vice President Joe Biden: “As an elected official with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.”

Madoff Still Making TV News..The Story That Never Ends

Where's the new news in this story??..None really--but pull out the popcorn and have yourself a view..